all i want for christmas...

so the other day, i was asked (for a video blog) what i wanted for christmas. i jokingly said the bag in my favorites and then i honestly had to think for a minute because there really isn't anything that i could ask for. i mean, i was kind of dreading this christmas, knowing it would be the first one i've spent alone in 7 years, but i've realized how loved i really am, even if i'm not in a relationship. 

i came home today to my clean apartment, complete with my small blue and bronze tabletop tree adorned with the little presents i bought myself for christmas. when i walked in the door, i was greeted by my little tiger cat as i listened to my dad talk on the phone about those who are less fortunate and how he'd wanted to do more this christmas for them. i frowned when i realized that i had not volunteered at opportunity village as i had planned, but the thought crossed my mind to tell him to donate my christmas money to the needy.

when we got off the phone, i sat on the floor with pebbles and looked around and realized how much i really have to be grateful for. i get to spread happiness to people every day at a job where i'm truly cared about and i've come a long way since the days when i was laid off and barely making ends meet for a short period of time. i realized how lucky i am to have all of the things that make my life so comfortable.


i looked at the presents on the table and smiled, excited for the recipients to open them. there are some really special people in my life and i don't think that anything i could write here could ever convey how much of an impact they've had on me, but i thought i'd try anyway...

to pua, who has taught me so much in the last few months and has opened my eyes to things i have never seen before. she has helped me stay grounded and has helped me to understand myself in ways i never thought i could. i know that some big changes are coming and i know that i would have never been able to see them and understand them this clearly without her help.


to andre, who truly is my favorite person in the whole world, or 'todo el mundo' as i say. i'm so glad we became fast friends and have had so much in common, including being such huge rebel fans. my mornings aren't complete without our multiple high fives. he has been such a huge mentor to me, but has been so much more. he has literally been a shoulder to cry on and truly one of my best friends and, for that, i am grateful.

to my snake kandis, who has made me laugh harder than anyone i've ever met. she never knew how much i needed that laughter that day with the sneaky snake jokes, but it really made an impact on me. who would have thought that life would bring us together when we needed each other. i'm so glad it did and am lucky to have her friendship and to have been trained by her for rdesk.

to lauren who has such great insight and has had the most productive talks with me, both about work and relationships. i really enjoy our lunches and girls nites out with my brown eyed girl.

to mikal and michelle who have been probably the biggest mentors of my life. i've learned more from them about my progression, myself, and life in general than i could have hoped from work family. thank you for believing in me and helping me to succeed. it is my goal in life to be even half the leaders you are. and michelle is honestly one of the most amazingly inspiring people i have ever met.

to brandon, vr, and mookie who are honestly the coolest desk neighbors i could ask for. sitting in between them has made for some very ridiculous conversations about cupcakes, south park references, and a bunch of other dumb stuff that makes me the happiest at work i've ever been. also to scavooz who is the light of the rdesk with all of the positivity and perspective he brings. his words are always in the back of my mind. i'm really lucky to have such an amazing team of rdeskers that i get to work with every day. (even john mckay who rips on hello kitty and tells me that i've gained weight >:/ haha. just kidding. i really do love the crap out of him.)

anyway, all i really wanted for christmas is to be happy and to feel loved and i'd say that my stockings are definitely overflowing with both. thank you to everyone who has given me the gift of happiness this year for christmas <3

who says you can't make a list of relationship expectations?

in chatting with a friend this morning, i frustratingly noted the following:  

i really don't understand why people just can't be up front and honest about what they want and expect from you. i feel like it would make everyone's lives so much easier...

and it's true! especially in relationships! as me and my friend were musing about this, i started thinking: what DO i want/ need/ expect in relationships? perhaps i haven't been as clear as i thought and perhaps it's why we all have trouble. how can i expect someone to meet my expectations if i never make them clear?

so here they are! my relationship expectations:

• first and foremost, i expect you to be into me for reasons more than you want to get an invite to my pants party. i'm not in it just for the hook up so, if you are, you can hit the road.
•  second, i expect that, if you initiate talking to me and say that you want to hang out, that you will follow through with what you say and not wuss out when i actually like you and say yes.
• i expect honesty and not games. do you like me or don't you? i don't waste your time so don't waste mine.
• going slow is good, stringing me along while you figure things out is not.
• you need to ask ME out. period. i'll give you the green light all day long, but YOU need to make it happen. i can promise that i will not be an asshole if i say no
• i need to know that you are into me. texting, chatting, asking me to hang out, actions. these will all do.
• i expect you to not be confusing. if your words and actions are conflicting, at least be honest about why.
• i am not perfect. i get scared and insecure sometimes. if you like me, i need you to talk to me, not freak out and clam up.
• i love sports. you don't have to love them, but going to rebel games will score you brownie points. asking me to leave early will probably make me want to leave YOU.
• i expect you to take me on dates. that's why they call it dating not staying-in-and-watching-tv-ing (not that i don't love doing that too, but relationships grow from experiences).
• i expect that you will tell me when it's not working, not just stop texting me one day like an uber douche.
• i give 110% to things i'm passionate about, but i will give up on you if i feel like i'm getting nowhere.
• i'm not suzie homemaker, but i'm really rad at other stuff. i need you to be okay with that.
• i  only want to listen to the good taylor swift songs when we're dating. if i'm relating to 'story of us' and 'forever and always', there is a problem.
• i REALLY like it when guys are straightforward because i'm really sick of guessing. i'm not madam cleo the mind reader.

okay, so a lot of these seem like silly examples, but they're very true ones. i'm really a very simple person in that i only expect honesty, communication, and for you to have good intentions and be genuinely into me. i realize that i can get dumb sometimes and maybe you do too (i mean, we've all been hurt before), but it's nothing a little communication can't fix. and now you all know exactly where i'm coming from.